October 6, 2018 - Thoughts from Saturday Morning Session of General Conference

As I was listening to Elder Oaks speak at the end of session about eternal marriage and family, I had this thought pop into my mind. 

"Some people don't have the power to bear children because of physical difficulties beyond their control and it's a relief to hear President Oaks affirm that the Lord does not hate those in that circumstance as long as they do their best to live righteously."

What a relief it is that I'm not going to be punished or held accountable for my crappy body. :)

October 4, 2018 - Fears

Am I destined for hell simply because I may not be able to 'birth' children? I have always wanted them, but I'm not sure my body has ever been built for that and I wonder if it is part of my destiny to 'have' them. I got diagnosed with endometriosis last year and have had difficult periods for a long time to the point where it was physically too much to even have one. Is me seeking treatment against the will of God? I don't think so and I have even been told in blessings that the Lord will guide the doctors to help me the way they are supposed to; that, however, doesn't necessarily mean I will ever be in a condition to breed. There is more to me, however, and people just need to take the time to see it and appreciate me for who I am.

This statement below is my fear; I fear that no guy will ever want me as a spouse because I might not be able to give them posterity naturally. I don't support this statement and I feel this is one of the reasons why fertility issues are not discussed openly in the Church even today; women who have them are made to feel ashamed and as if it is their fault that they have the issues they have. It's a circumstance beyond their control and it's not something God will hold against them. There should be no shame in women having issues and they should not be made to feel worthless over them.

This statement could have the potential of making childless women or women with reproducing problems feel worthless or unworthy to serve the Lord. There is no point in blaming women for what is not their fault nor is there a point in considering them sinners because they are experiencing something beyond their control. If people can control whether or not they have kids and choose not to for selfish reasons, that is a different thing entirely. For women to be considered sinners due to circumstances beyond their control, however, is ridiculous and contrary to the teachings of God that everyone is of worth however they were made.

October 2, 2018 - A moment of grief

In the Mormon culture, there is a very prevalent problem; a problem that can cause a divide.

One of the things that is emphasized everywhere we go is to get married/sealed in the temples of God for time and all eternity. That's not a problem; it's actually a beautiful thing that I eventually hope to do.

The problem is with the phrase "multiply and replenish the earth that you might find joy in your posterity." As if you can't have joy if you don't or cannot have children. One does not have to be married or have children to have joy and they shouldn't be treated badly if those blessings don't come to them in this life, nor should single people be put under enough pressure to seek after those things that they are thrown into a state of anxiety and unhappiness.

An unfortunate FACT of Mormon culture is that lot of Mormon guys are raised to seek after those girls who can multiply and replenish the earth naturally and to avoid the girls that can't have kids on their own. Some guys grow up with the idea that they want as many children as they can get and many girls are raised with the idiom that it is their duty to have as many as their body will allow them to. I hear many women say over the church pulpit that all they dreamed of is becoming a mother and they consider a noble calling for women. Women have MANY noble callings and there are many beautiful, noble women who are doing very good things for both the world and the Church, but they are not married. They are still valuable and loved by God.

Unfortunately, not every woman gets married or has children due to choice or because those blessings are not given to them. The unmarried are still valuable so long as they try their best and make the most of every opportunity that life gives them. Life is so short that we have to make it a purposeful life with what we are given. Everyone is given different opportunities at different blessings at different times in their lives and the Lord is aware of what times are best for each of us! Listen and watch for those times and in the meantime, work on being who you would want to be should those blessings of marriage and parenthood come your way! Work on becoming the type of person you want to marry should the opportunity come!

I am 30 years old and I have endometriosis and I am constantly haunted by the thought that I might not be considered a good eternal mate simply because I am not prime breeding stock. I am open to adoption and fostering, but the reality is that having children naturally may be very hard or impossible even after any surgery to address the issue. I'm working to come to terms with it, but there are a lot of guys out there who have issues with having any children that aren't 'naturally made.'

There are rare selections of guys who don't buy into that whole spiel, but fertility issues like endometriosis are not so openly discussed in the Church and I wish they were. I am open to adoption and I hope I can find a guy who is also open to that option should bearing children naturally prove hard or impossible for me.