December 19, 2018

I got an appointment this close to Christmas because people are not supposed to bleed and hurt during pelvic ultrasounds...

Dr. Topping and I had a chat and she recommended going in, excising any endometriosis, doing a D&C, and putting in an IUD. She said if there is no endometrial tissue, the trouble is in the uterus and if that is the issue, they can have the dang thing and I told her that. Not sure when the surgery will be: they will phone me.

I'm not sure what they did last time I had surgery, but it obviously did not help.

November 19, 2018 - Pelvic ultrasound

I had a pelvic ultrasound at Radiology and Associates because my endometriosis has been causing me severe pelvic pain even though the Lupron has stopped the bleeding. I am so sore from my ultrasound. I barely had enough water and it hurt because I had to hold it during the ultrasound and there were parts of the ultrasound that hurt to the point where I thought I was being stabbed and the tech had to scan spots several times. The tech also scanned my kidneys several times.

November 7, 2018 - Appointment due to pain

Okay, health update...my uterus is fine, but they want to do another ultrasound in case another part of the system is not. I will also stay on the Lupron because it's working and I know what it means because it's working so well. However, God prompted me to stop feeling guilt over what that means.

October 25, 2018 - The painful abuse of the #MeToo Movement has resulted in chaos.

I'm really confused as to whether I want to support the #MeToo movement anymore or not because it's created a society where witch-hunts spring up at the first spark of an accusation. The movement used to represent courage and rising above pain, but it certainly doesn't represent that anymore. Some people see the legitimate stories and they want a piece of the action, so they make up a story and publicize it without evidence of any kind. Society reacts by immediately going after the accused without looking for evidence that might support the accusation. Even if there isn't physical evidence, there has to be some sort of evidence out there. Evidence can be found if one looks hard enough, but who actually does it?

The #MeToo movement has created chaos in society. Granted, there are those women who have legitimate accounts of being assaulted by men and who will be forever affected by that and the men in those cases should be held accountable. On the other hand, there are also women who are making a game out of the movement by false accusations against men of all ages simply because they want attention or they don't like a person enough to want to damage their reputation. Those who fabricate such stories out of spite are despicable people and should also be made to take responsibility for the damage their lies do and the hurt they caused.

Recently, a nine year old boy was accused of groping a woman in public and the woman clearly knew he hadn't done it, but she simply wanted the attention that came with pretending to be part of the movement. I don't appreciate women who lie about something like that just to get attention, especially when they are perfectly aware that their behavior is inappropriate and can emotionally damage those they accuse. The accused child has still not forgiven his accuser and I don't blame him if he hates her for the rest of his life because it could have turned out to be a very serious thing. Accusations can create fear and hysteria within communities simply because it's the common belief that everyone who makes an accusation like that is telling the truth. Once an accusation is made against someone, it is very difficult to stop the reactions and it is very hard to take back a lie.

Even more recently, the mayor of Grovetown, Georgia announced that he and law enforcement officials are planning to round up all of their community's sex offenders on Halloween and unlawfully detain them in the local fire hall under supervision during the hours of trick or treating. This is another seed of the #MeToo movement that was created by fear and a desire to destroy anyone on 'the list' regardless of why they are there and what they have done rehabilitation-wise after paying their debts. While some do terrible things and deserve to be on 'the list', others are on that list over perfectly innocent things that were blown out of proportion.

There are already perfectly sensible restrictions in place for people like that and this rounding them up is something I don't agree with. The mayor claims that this action is perfectly legal, but how is it perfectly legal to round people up and unlawfully detain them in an enclosed space while surrounded by police? That reminds me of some very dark days in history that have already been repeated by recent policies. What the Grovetown mayor seems to be doing is creating a portable internment camp for undesirables and also feeding into the witch-hunt spectacle and internment camps of any kind are disgusting! I thought society was beyond things like that.

I give kudos to those who have come forward with legitimate stories about how they were sexually victimized because it's not an easy thing to talk about. However, to those who are making things up to get attention or to spite those you don't like, please stop it because your words can create a lot of damage. If it didn't happen to you, don't say it did because then you will ignite a firestorm that will end up creating chaos and destroying innocent reputations. Think about what you say and do before you act simply because your words and actions can and will produce very real consequences.

How Does One Hate Being Pregnant? - April 2018

I went to Time Out For Women tonight, but had to leave early due to perfume being in a scent free area. While I was there, however, I heard a bit of music and some words from the evening speakers. While I did learn some interesting and valuable speakers, I also got a reminder that people often get blessings that they don't always publicly appreciate or they don't always realize that others grieve over not having certain blessings because of things beyond their control.

Cade and Carrian Cheney spoke about making Christ the center of your life and used examples from their own life to explain how they went about achieving that aspiration. During her turn to talk, however, Carrian said that she hates being pregnant and it was due to some other medical condition she has. I have never, EVER heard a Mormon woman express hate over being pregnant. I've read articles from non-members expressing that pregnancy is hard and they wish they wouldn't have had kids when they have kids, but I was floored to hear someone of the Mormon faith express a hate over pregnancy. The Church is centered around families of all kinds and sizes and to express hate over pregnancy feels like expressing hate for family and the wonderful blessings that it is to have and/or make a family.

I couldn't help but feel a pile of grief over this statement simply because I have endometriosis and with conditions like that, pregnancy is very much an uncertain thing. I do have struggles with the endometriosis, but I push forward in faith that blessings will come when they are supposed to and in the way they are supposed to. There are times that I do grieve over the possibility of never being able to get pregnant and have a child naturally, but it is what it is and all I can do is pour my heart out to the Lord in prayer, poetry, or writing when I get that way.

If I were ever able to become pregnant, I would probably find it very hard, but I wouldn't hate it simply because of the struggle that it would be to get there if it were to happen. I'm not perfect and I want to be, but it's not going to happen right away, if it happens at all, and I'm fine with that because I know that it's all in the Lord's hands. I was promised in my patriarchal blessing that I will have the opportunity to be married in the temple and that I will become a mother to many children. I will grieve at times, but I will never hate what blessings come into my life simply because it may make me hurt or make me sick; I will remember that the Lord will give me the strength to handle whatever blessings or trials come into my life, as He has been doing that for me my whole life thus far!

The blessings of spousehood and motherhood just haven't come into my life yet and my hope is that a man with patience and understanding to my struggles and situation will come along and want me as I am. I'm not going to hate those blessings when and if they come into my life. I am, in fact, making preparations in the way I live so that I will be able to be a good addition to the lives of others when and if the opportunity comes.

I grieve at what is, but I am not going to hate what may come because all the stuff I am going through right now might be preparing me for amazing things down the road. Hating what is wastes time and energy that I no longer have for negativity. I just have to keep hanging on and God will provide because I know that I am worthy to receive many blessings in His eyes. If it weren't for the Atonement, it would be much harder to hang on, so I'm glad I have it so that I can be carried by Christ right now.

With the strength I am saving while being carried, I have the strength to see positives in trying situations like I am with this current burden. Even the grieving I endure at times is surrounded by peaceful thoughts simply because I seek positive reinforcement through Christ. To hate blessings that come to me in my trials, and there are blessings to be found in my trails, pushes me away from the Spirit that I need to keep going, so I am horrified when others express hate for blessings that they currently have or that they were given; don't they feel a lesser presence of the Spirit when they do that? I certainly do.

October 6, 2018 - Thoughts from Saturday Morning Session of General Conference

As I was listening to Elder Oaks speak at the end of session about eternal marriage and family, I had this thought pop into my mind. 

"Some people don't have the power to bear children because of physical difficulties beyond their control and it's a relief to hear President Oaks affirm that the Lord does not hate those in that circumstance as long as they do their best to live righteously."

What a relief it is that I'm not going to be punished or held accountable for my crappy body. :)

October 4, 2018 - Fears

Am I destined for hell simply because I may not be able to 'birth' children? I have always wanted them, but I'm not sure my body has ever been built for that and I wonder if it is part of my destiny to 'have' them. I got diagnosed with endometriosis last year and have had difficult periods for a long time to the point where it was physically too much to even have one. Is me seeking treatment against the will of God? I don't think so and I have even been told in blessings that the Lord will guide the doctors to help me the way they are supposed to; that, however, doesn't necessarily mean I will ever be in a condition to breed. There is more to me, however, and people just need to take the time to see it and appreciate me for who I am.

This statement below is my fear; I fear that no guy will ever want me as a spouse because I might not be able to give them posterity naturally. I don't support this statement and I feel this is one of the reasons why fertility issues are not discussed openly in the Church even today; women who have them are made to feel ashamed and as if it is their fault that they have the issues they have. It's a circumstance beyond their control and it's not something God will hold against them. There should be no shame in women having issues and they should not be made to feel worthless over them.

This statement could have the potential of making childless women or women with reproducing problems feel worthless or unworthy to serve the Lord. There is no point in blaming women for what is not their fault nor is there a point in considering them sinners because they are experiencing something beyond their control. If people can control whether or not they have kids and choose not to for selfish reasons, that is a different thing entirely. For women to be considered sinners due to circumstances beyond their control, however, is ridiculous and contrary to the teachings of God that everyone is of worth however they were made.

October 2, 2018 - A moment of grief

In the Mormon culture, there is a very prevalent problem; a problem that can cause a divide.

One of the things that is emphasized everywhere we go is to get married/sealed in the temples of God for time and all eternity. That's not a problem; it's actually a beautiful thing that I eventually hope to do.

The problem is with the phrase "multiply and replenish the earth that you might find joy in your posterity." As if you can't have joy if you don't or cannot have children. One does not have to be married or have children to have joy and they shouldn't be treated badly if those blessings don't come to them in this life, nor should single people be put under enough pressure to seek after those things that they are thrown into a state of anxiety and unhappiness.

An unfortunate FACT of Mormon culture is that lot of Mormon guys are raised to seek after those girls who can multiply and replenish the earth naturally and to avoid the girls that can't have kids on their own. Some guys grow up with the idea that they want as many children as they can get and many girls are raised with the idiom that it is their duty to have as many as their body will allow them to. I hear many women say over the church pulpit that all they dreamed of is becoming a mother and they consider a noble calling for women. Women have MANY noble callings and there are many beautiful, noble women who are doing very good things for both the world and the Church, but they are not married. They are still valuable and loved by God.

Unfortunately, not every woman gets married or has children due to choice or because those blessings are not given to them. The unmarried are still valuable so long as they try their best and make the most of every opportunity that life gives them. Life is so short that we have to make it a purposeful life with what we are given. Everyone is given different opportunities at different blessings at different times in their lives and the Lord is aware of what times are best for each of us! Listen and watch for those times and in the meantime, work on being who you would want to be should those blessings of marriage and parenthood come your way! Work on becoming the type of person you want to marry should the opportunity come!

I am 30 years old and I have endometriosis and I am constantly haunted by the thought that I might not be considered a good eternal mate simply because I am not prime breeding stock. I am open to adoption and fostering, but the reality is that having children naturally may be very hard or impossible even after any surgery to address the issue. I'm working to come to terms with it, but there are a lot of guys out there who have issues with having any children that aren't 'naturally made.'

There are rare selections of guys who don't buy into that whole spiel, but fertility issues like endometriosis are not so openly discussed in the Church and I wish they were. I am open to adoption and I hope I can find a guy who is also open to that option should bearing children naturally prove hard or impossible for me.

August 16, 2018 - depo not working

Yesterday afternoon, I went to my local OB/GYN to talk about how I have been having severe pelvic pain lately and I wondered if it was part of the endometriosis. I showed her a 'pain diary' I had been keeping since I started taking depo-provera shots to stop periods and she said that it didn't appear the depo shots were working well based on pain and bleeding levels.

The doctor said that in that case, she wanted to try me on a different drug, which she referred to as 'the big guns' and will give her an idea of what is going on 'down there. The drug would "shut everything down there down" and invite menopausal symptoms and I would also be on pills to steady the severity of those symptoms.

August 30, 2018 - Lupron

Men plan and God laughs. I picked up the Lupron shot from the drugstore and took it to the outpatient place at the hospital, thinking it'll just be a prick in the arm and be done. The nurse brought out the BIGGEST needle I have ever seen (the size of a toy rocket) and she tells me to lie on the cot so she can put the shot in my bum! I freaked out a little at that, but did it. I've never had a shot like that, but it was painless and I hope it works because the next step if it doesn't might be 'the ultimate solution.' The shot is supposed to give me menopausal symptoms and I've got pills to soften those and I hope it works. If it's God's will for it to work, it will; if it's not, I might need surgery.

August 19, 2018 - reflections on adoption gained in church

A lady in Relief Society talked about how God guided her to adopt the right baby at the right time even after He prompted her to refuse one. It was like a bomb went off in my spirit and I was overwhelmed enough by the Spirit that I started sobbing to the point where I couldn't see. Sometimes we don't know why the Lord guides us down the path he does or why he gives us the promptings he does. We just need to trust that God will give us opportunities that are best for us at the best time in our lives for us.

August 27, 2018 - bratty endometriosis results in a trip to the emergency room!

6:47 p.m.

I'm at the Emergency Room at Chinook Regional Hospital right now because my endometriosis was being bratty both Saturday and today.

My parents are with me and I already got a blessing, but I'm still worried. I am set to get bloodwork and we'll see what happens from there. I have faith that it was God's will that I come for help and I trust that the Lord's will will be done in all of this mess.

7:13 p.m.

Still in the Emergency Room at Chinook Regional Hospital. The blood lady got a vein on the first try and took three vials of blood and they also made me give a urine sample. I have to wait here for results.

9:42 p.m.

Got released with pills that are intended to stop bleeding til the other perscription comes through, My parents and I went to Humpty's cause we were all hungry.

April 14, 2018 - Reflections on Sheri Dew's 'Are We Not All Mothers?'

"When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman’s most sacred role. While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living”—and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Just as worthy men were foreordained to hold the priesthood in mortality, righteous women were endowed premortally with the privilege of motherhood. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us."

-Sheri Dew
"Are We Not All Mothers?"

This is an emotional subject for me because I have endometriosis and my mind keeps wondering what kind of a man would want someone who might not be able to have children naturally without a lot of help or even at all? I am temple worthy and I have a lot of good qualities, skills, and talents that would make me a wonderful spouse to he who is right for me. Unfortunately for me, a lot of Mormon men are raised to want only those who can bear them endless children and who don't have mental/emotional struggles at times.

I'm not perfect and I want to be, but it's not going to happen right away and I'm fine with that. I was promised in my patriarchal blessing that I will have the opportunity to be married in the temple and that I will become a mother to many children. I am so sick of people implying that it might not happen til the next life. They are not me, they don't receive revelation for me, and I daresay some even might get a thrill watching me not receive these blessings because they think I am unworthy or undeserving of them. I am neither unworthy nor undeserving of these blessings.

The blessings of spousehood and motherhood just haven't come into my life yet and my hope is that a man with patience and understanding to my struggles and situation will come along and want me as I am. I know God loves me, I know Christ died and rose for me, and I know that I am worthy of the blessings that will come.

Those who think I am unworthy and worthless of God's blessings and do whatever they can to interfere in His plan for me know who they are, they know what they are doing is wrong, and they know that God will not condone their crap. If people want to test and mock God by ignoring my worth and shutting me out simply because they think I am crap, it is their right to do so. However, it is an unwise choice they are making and God has made his thoughts clear on what He thinks of unwise choices and He has also made it clear that choices have consequences.

I just have to keep hanging on and God will provide because I know that I am worthy to receive many blessings in His eyes. If it weren't for the Atonement, it would be much harder to hang on, so I'm glad I have it so that I can be carried by Christ right now. With the strength I am saving while being carried, I have the strength to see positives in trying situations like I am with this current burden.

August 17, 2018 - struggles

Being on AISH is supposed to mean being financially covered for all perscription drugs, but that is not always the case. Yesterday afternoon, I went to my local OB/GYN to talk about how I have been having severe pelvic pain lately and I wondered if it was part of the endometriosis. I showed her a 'pain diary' I had been keeping since I started taking depo-provera shots to stop periods and she said that it didn't appear the depo shots were working well based on pain and bleeding levels.

The doctor said that in that case, she wanted to try me on a different drug, which she referred to as 'the big guns' and will give her an idea of what is going on 'down there. The drug would "shut everything down there down" and invite menopausal symptoms and I would also be on pills to steady the severity of those symptoms. I agreed to the drug and dropped the perscription off at the local pharmacy yesterday, fully expecting to have the drug by today and be able to make arrangements to get it into my system.

Unfortunately for me, I got a call from the pharmacy this morning and one of the drugs is not covered by AISH at all while I have to make an application for the other one to be possibly covered by AISH. The pharmacy phoned the doctor to see if I could get on a generic version of the same type of drug that would be covered by AISH, but no word as of yet. I may have to pay for the medicines myself and I think I can afford to do that, but I shouldn't have to.

It makes me mad that the powers that be in charge of AISH don't seem to care whether or not their recipients are healthy. I am on AISH, yes, but I live a full life by freelancing, volunteering, and doing things with my day. I have been physically crippled by this endometriosis to the point where I can barely do anything some days and that is just humiliating. I am 30 and I want to have a productive life, but my body is not behaving and I cannot get what I need to help me because of governmental policies.

The government throws around so much money to other programs and people, but they ignore those with disabilities because they see them as 'dead weight' to the province. I am simply on AISH because I can't find and keep a full-time job due to my social disability, but I volunteer and give back to the community in other ways. I have a college and university education and both work and volunteer experience. I am valuable to this province, so why doesn't the province want to help me feel better? Without this medicine, I probably will not feel better, but governmental policy is barring me from getting what I need and what is supposed to be covered under disability.

The provincial government doesn't want to make me feel better simply because I am on disability. I pay taxes, I volunteer, I have education, and I do much good with my time. Am I not valuable to the province of Alberta simply because I am trying my best to live a happy, productive life? Even though the province can afford to help make me well, they don't want to and I feel like they really don't care about me as a person.

Why don't you care about me, Alberta? There is much more to me than my disability, but I can't show that to you without the medicine I need to help make me feel physically well again.

August 14, 2018 - The angel named Marilyn Stokes

Tonight, I find myself pondering a spiritual experience I had on August 8, 2018 when I was getting ready to leave San Francisco for Vancouver, B.C. on a plane in the evening hours. This absolutely lovely woman named Marilyn Stokes from Texas sat on the aisle seat of the row I was sitting on while I sat near the window, leaving an empty seat in between. She was so kind and lovely and we got to talking about our personal lives and she was headed to visit some family who were religious missionaries in northern B.C..

I shared my struggle with my health and we started talking about God and religion as the flight progressed. She quoted Proverbs 3:5-6 at some point in the conversation because I think she could feel that I needed to be reminded that the Lord is in charge. Ms. Stokes also quoted Psalms 31:15 because we were discussing life and I was vocally wondering what other ways I could contribute to the world if I ended up not being able to have kids because of the endometriosis and in conjuction with that verse, she also said that "our times are in God's hands."

In the days since we talked, I've just been deeply pondering a lot of things and coming to peace with the reality of what my body is going through and I am very grateful that Marilyn showed up when she did. When we parted at the Vancouver airport, I found myself wondering if she was one of those angels who God sends to those who need strength, comfort, and reassurance of what they can do and give. I don't know if I will ever see Marilyn Stokes again, but I'd like to thank her for being an angel that I needed at the time and I'd like to thank God for sending her my way.

The whole experience was a needed comfort because I was tired and sore from travelling and I was praying a lot in my heart for relief. God obviously heard that prayer even though it was a quiet one.

July 25, 2018 - Reflecting on what miracles there are

I guess a miracle in my life is that I don't have cancer even though everyone thought I did at two different times in the last four years. It was just endometriosis that took a long time and a surgery to discover. Cancer is a very horrible thing to even watch and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

July 21, 2018 - 'Wiggles' star discusses endometriosis

Seeing stuff like this makes me feel a little better about having the condition of endometriosis myself. God has definitely given me grace and strength to do good and I believe He will continue to help me to do good and live well.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-5968803/Yellow-Wiggle-Emma-Watkins-speaks-struggle-endometriosis.html

June 9, 2018 - Daisy Ridley's mention of endometriosis...a foreshadowing of my future?

Honestly, this makes a lot of sense and it makes me want to get things tested the way they should be. Just based on the way I feel at certain times and physical reactions I've had during those times, I know not all is right in my body. The thing is, though, doctors might consider me a hypochondriac because I have an invisible disability (and yes, this HAS happened before) and choose to make light of things without even checking. I just want my health to be 100% all the time and I want to know how to make it that way.

https://www.ew.com/article/2016/06/09/daisy-ridley-endometriosis/

February 8, 2018 - ignorance and bullying over food choices

I stand all amazed at the ignorance that people allow to come out of their mouths sometimes or spew all over social media. I made a post about getting a pizza with goat cheese on it to help me get through the nasty weather and the remarks were positive for the most part until this one person started trying to force their health beliefs on me without understanding the whole story that is my health right now. It's not a crippling issue, but it's there and I shouldn't hide it anymore because I am sure that I am not the only one who has it.

For years, I have struggled with nasty menstrual periods and have tried different things for them, but nothing worked. On October 11, 2017, however, I finally got an answer about what the heck was going on in my body thanks to an awesome OB/GYN's desire to take my problems seriously. Past physicians thought I was simply making stuff up through delusions because of my disability and told me as such, but this current OB I have is awesome. Getting a referral and appointment was incredibly quick and I am very grateful that it was as fast as it was, as it doesn't usually work like that. It was only a month between when I got my referral and when my appointment was due to the mercy of sudden cancellations.

After talking to the OB/GYN at the hospital that day about the struggles I've had with my 'female time' over the last few years, the conclusion was that it was most likely endometriosis. That would explain why nothing showed up on ultrasounds despite me having pain and other nasty symptoms. I am grateful that I stuck to my instincts that there was something instead of thinking I was crazy like others believed I was.

I had a hysteroscopy and D&C on January 15th at the Lethbridge Regional Hospital to check things out and so they could also take a sample of things for a pathology. I had a spinal block done instead of accepting the option of anesthesia and the surgery itself was very quick, but the recovery is an ongoing process and there are both good and bad days. The follow-up is the 20th of February as far as I know and I will learn more then.

The thing about endometriosis is that it can cause pain and it can really make the whole process of having kids difficult and that is the emotionally difficult part of the process because a lot of Mormon guys are raised to seek after those girls who can multiply and replenish the earth naturally and to avoid the girls that can't have kids on their own. There are rare selections of guys who don't buy into that whole spiel, but fertility issues like endometriosis are not so openly discussed in the Church and I wish they were. I am open to adoption and I hope I can find a guy who is also open to that option should bearing children naturally prove hard or impossible for me.

What really pisses me off, though, is that some people openly express their thoughts that I am overweight, worthless, and eating poorly without understanding that there is more to what is going on with my body than can be seen. People close to me understand the hell I have gone through with this aspect of my body for years, but I also want others to understand what I am going through and be kind about it.

I wish to God I was faking it and that my body was absolutely normal so I could just have those amazing blessings that other, naturally produced Mormon families have, but it's not and I have to learn to live with that. Blessings will not be withheld from me if I stay righteous and do my best to live well, but I am working to accept that I may not get those blessings in the way that I originally expected. People telling me that I am making excuses and faking such a condition make me feel angry, hurt, and truly mystified that such ignorance exists in this era of time.

By the way, I SCREENCAPPED the display of ignorance so y'all don't think I'm being dramatic as I 'out' myself as one who has a condition that affects my reproductive systems. I am part of that club whether I want to be or not and sharing my story is my way of working to accept and embrace what is.

May 20, 2018 - hate for child killers increases

I see things like this on the internet and I become angry, as I have endometriosis and whether or not I can bear children is very much an unknown thing right now. If I had children, adopted children, or became a stepmom, however, I would love them and not force them into things that would result in their death. If they were sick, I would trust medicine and priesthood blessings to be able to bring about peace and healing however it was supposed to come. I wouldn't force feed my kids unproven natural crap until they quit breathing and died. I also express anger on behalf of those loving people who cannot have kids or have a very hard time having them. Children are gifts and as gifts, they need to be properly cared for at all times using the best empirically proven resources possible. Sick children don't need to have unproven remedies forced upon them that will make them sicker. The concepts of modern medicine do work and I don't doubt that Ezekiel Stephan would still be alive today if his parents had simply allowed him to benefit from proven medical treatments instead of being experimented upon with unproven remedies.

The outcome of the trial was ridiculous and it made my heart hurt for all those who have love to give to children, but haven't been blessed with them for whatever reason. I was sad during the original trial and became angry when I heard the outcome, as it wasn't enough to cover all the years that Ezekiel lost to stupidity. I'm grieving that the Stephans want to try and manipulate the justice system for their own benefit and that they don't seem to care or take responsibility for what they have done. They tried to take the opportunity to push their unproven medicines and treatments at public wellness conferences, but their appearances at said conferences were cancelled when organizers found out who they were and what they had done. There are natural remedies that work and have been scientifically proven to work, but the Stephans do not possess reliable knowledge or information on the subject and should not be trusted to promote wellness.

David and Collet Stephan were given too light of a sentence the first time, they got to keep their kids, and they were able to run away to B.C. to keep living a normal life even though they murdered their own child. Now, we get to see the same spectacle in court again where the Stephans will do whatever they can to avoid taking responsibility for what they did even though they know it was terrible. They will use fake science statistics to try and get out of further punishment and they will also try to hide behind their religion to con people into thinking they are good people and shouldn't be punished.

Even people who have religion do bad things, unfortunately, and they shouldn't use it to try and get out of punishment. All choices have consequences and I'm not sure what can be accomplished by having another trial except that the courts might decide to find the Stephans guilty of murder instead of the original charge and impose a harsher sentence that includes permanently losing custody of their children. I'm sure David and Collet believe that they will be found not guilty and absolved of all wrongdoing simply because they are, in their eyes, dutiful to God and to the resources that He has provided for them to advocate wellness through natural means and unproven techniques and medicines.

Children, however, are one of the resources God provided to them and they knowingly failed to promote wellness to Ezekiel to the point where he died. In the eyes of God, what David and Collet did was murder and He will ultimately be the judge of what happens to them in the hereafter. While they are still on Earth, however, they need to stop promoting themselves as good people who made an innocent mistake and look at reality. The Stephans were told to take Ezekiel to where he could be medically helped and they refused until he wasn't breathing, therby making the declaration that their obsessive belief in unproven medicine was more important than the life of their infant son.

When one is given an opportunity to show love and care to a child by making their health and wellness a priority and it's not done, that is called neglect. If a child is negelcted or forced to rely on unproven medicine to a point where their life is lost, that is called murder. What happened that day was clearly detailed in the news and it was very clear that the priority was on unproven, potentially dangerous natural medicine and not on the life of a very sick child. What's done is done and to open the old wound in hopes of being absolved of responsibility may backfire on the Stephans and I hope it does. I hope the Stephans lose their appeal, get a harsher sentence, and truly learn what happens to those who make these kinds of choices knowingly and willingly.

https://lethbridgenewsnow.com/article/603482/supreme-court-hearing-parents-convicted-toddlers-meningitis-death

April 20, 2018 - Grieving at Time Out For Women

I went to Time Out For Women tonight, but had to leave early due to perfume being in a scent free area. While I was there, however, I heard a bit of music and some words from the evening speakers. While I did learn some interesting and valuable speakers, I also got a reminder that people often get blessings that they don't always publicly appreciate or they don't always realize that others grieve over not having certain blessings because of things beyond their control. I grieve often, but I grieve productively, and I empathize with those who go through similar grief.

Cade and Carrian Cheney spoke about making Christ the center of your life and used examples from their own life to explain how they went about achieving that aspiration. During her turn to talk, however, Carrian said that she hates being pregnant and it was due to some other medical condition she has. I have never, EVER heard a Mormon woman express hate over being pregnant. I've read articles from non-members expressing that pregnancy is hard and they wish they wouldn't have had kids when they have kids, but I was floored to hear someone of the Mormon faith express a hate over pregnancy. The Church is centered around families of all kinds and sizes and to express hate over pregnancy feels like expressing hate for family and the wonderful blessings that it is to have and/or make a family.

I couldn't help but feel a pile of grief over this statement simply because I have endometriosis and with conditions like that, pregnancy is very much an uncertain thing. I do have struggles with the endometriosis, but I push forward in faith that blessings will come when they are supposed to and in the way they are supposed to. There are times that I do grieve over the possibility of never being able to get pregnant and have a child naturally, but it is what it is and all I can do is pour my heart out to the Lord in prayer, poetry, or writing when I get that way.

If I were ever able to become pregnant, I would probably find it very hard, but I wouldn't hate it simply because of the struggle that it would be to get there if it were to happen. I'm not perfect and I want to be, but it's not going to happen right away, if it happens at all, and I'm fine with that because I know that it's all in the Lord's hands. I was promised in my patriarchal blessing that I will have the opportunity to be married in the temple and that I will become a mother to many children. I will grieve at times, but I will never hate what blessings come into my life simply because it may make me hurt or make me sick; I will remember that the Lord will give me the strength to handle whatever blessings or trials come into my life, as He has been doing that for me my whole life thus far!

The blessings of spousehood and motherhood just haven't come into my life yet and my hope is that a man with patience and understanding to my struggles and situation will come along and want me as I am. I'm not going to hate those blessings when and if they come into my life. I am, in fact, making preparations in the way I live so that I will be able to be a good addition to the lives of others when and if the opportunity comes.

I grieve at what is, but I am not going to hate what may come because all the stuff I am going through right now might be preparing me for amazing things down the road. Hating what is wastes time and energy that I no longer have for negativity. I just have to keep hanging on and God will provide because I know that I am worthy to receive many blessings in His eyes. If it weren't for the Atonement, it would be much harder to hang on, so I'm glad I have it so that I can be carried by Christ right now.

With the strength I am saving while being carried, I have the strength to see positives in trying situations like I am with this current burden. Even the grieving I endure at times is surrounded by peaceful thoughts simply because I seek positive reinforcement through Christ. To hate blessings that come to me in my trials, and there are blessings to be found in my trails, pushes me away from the Spirit that I need to keep going, so I am horrified when others express hate for blessings that they currently have or that they were given; don't they feel a lesser presence of the Spirit when they do that? I certainly do.

February 9, 2018 - This is my reality and I am working to accept it.

The post I made yesterday was not to focus on how ignorant some can be when they accuse a person of not doing all they can to become better; it was to explain a very real issue that I have and that I have kept private. It's not a crippling issue, but it's there and I shouldn't hide it anymore because I am sure that I am not the only one who has it.

For years, I have struggled with nasty menstrual periods and have tried different things for them, but nothing worked. On October 11, 2017, however, I finally got an answer about what the heck was going on in my body thanks to an awesome OB/GYN's desire to take my problems seriously. Past physicians thought I was simply making stuff up through delusions because of my social/intellectual disability (ADHD/Non-Verbal Learning Disorder) and told me as such, but this current OB I have is awesome. Getting a referral and appointment was incredibly quick and I am very grateful that it was as fast as it was, as it doesn't usually work like that. It was only a month between when I got my referral and when my appointment was due to the mercy of sudden cancellations.

After talking to the OB/GYN at the hospital that day about the struggles I've had with my 'female time' over the last few years, the conclusion was that it was most likely endometriosis. That would explain why nothing showed up on ultrasounds despite me having pain and other nasty symptoms. I am grateful that I stuck to my instincts that there was something instead of thinking I was crazy like others believed I was.

I had a hysteroscopy and D&C on January 15th at the Lethbridge Regional Hospital to check things out and so they could also take a sample of things for a pathology. I had a spinal block done instead of accepting the option of anesthesia and the surgery itself was very quick, but the recovery is an ongoing process and there are both good and bad days. The follow-up is the 20th of February as far as I know and I will learn more then.

The thing about endometriosis is that it can cause pain and it can really make the whole process of having kids difficult and that is the emotionally difficult part of the process because a lot of Mormon guys are raised to seek after those girls who can multiply and replenish the earth naturally and to avoid the girls that can't have kids on their own. There are rare selections of guys who don't buy into that whole spiel, but fertility issues like endometriosis are not so openly discussed in the Church and I wish they were. I am open to adoption and I hope I can find a guy who is also open to that option should bearing children naturally prove hard or impossible for me.

I wish to God I was faking it and that my body was absolutely normal so I could just have those amazing blessings that other, naturally produced Mormon families have, but it's not and I have to learn to live with that. Blessings will not be withheld from me if I stay righteous and do my best to live well, but I am working to accept that I may not get those blessings in the way that I originally expected. It’s something I am working to come to peace with even amidst bits and pieces of grieving, which I think is totally normal for such a thing.

What really pisses me off, though, is that some people openly express their thoughts that I am overweight, worthless, and eating poorly without understanding that there is more to what is going on with my body than can be seen. People close to me understand the hell I have gone through with this aspect of my body for years, but I also want others to understand what I am going through and be kind about it.

January 15, 2018 - surgery to check for cancer

12:13 p.m
I've got endometriosis and it's been giving me some trouble, so I'm having a bit of day surgery today to see if I can't get feeling better. It's about an hour til they take me back to do the hysteroscopy and dilatation cutterage and I'm just chilling in on a gurney in the day surgery area of Lethbridge Regional Hospital to pass the time. My hope, whatever the outcome may be, is that they find out why I have not been feeling well and manage to fix the issue so I can feel good again. I know this is quite a personal thing to share, but it's MY personal thing to share and I have so many feelings about how it could go and I just ask for prayers

After the surgery
I had a hysteroscopy and D&C at the Lethbridge Regional Hospital to check things out and so they could also take a sample of things for a pathology. I had a spinal block done instead of accepting the option of anesthesia and the surgery itself was very quick.

The recovery is an ongoing process and there are both good and bad days. The follow-up is the 20th of February as far as I know and I will learn more then.


8:13 p.m.
Well, I'm alive, but sore. Around one p.m., I was taken to a pre-op room and when the anesthesiologist came in, he gave me the option of having a spinal block instead of being put under. Since being put under has made me sick in the past, I went for the spinal block and it was incredibly painful just to get it done, but it worked and I was able to avoid feeling anything during the surgery. It did take some time, however, for me to get enough feeling back into my legs and feet and they finally let me out around six p.m. with aftercare instructions. My parents brought me out to Raymond to recover and between the spinal block and the aftereffects of the surgery, this recovery will probably prove interesting. The sample they took from those regions will be tested and II should get information about that in a couple of weeks, but I can use those couple of weeks to get all the strength back that I lost in dealing with this.

October 11, 2017 - The diagnosis

I finally got an answer about what the heck was going on in my body thanks to an awesome OB/GYN's desire to take my problems seriously. I have been struggling with bad bleeding, nasty clots, pain and other messy symptoms since summer 2014 and I am sick of it.

Past physicians thought I was simply making stuff up through delusions because of my disability and told me as such, but this current OB, who is named Dr. Topping, I have is awesome. Getting a referral and appointment was incredibly quick and I am very grateful that it was as fast as it was, as it doesn't usually work like that. 

It was only a month between when I got my referral and when my appointment was due to the mercy of sudden cancellations.

After talking to the OB/GYN at the hospital that day about the struggles I've had with my 'female time' over the last few years, the conclusion was that it was most likely endometriosis. That would explain why nothing showed up on ultrasounds despite me having pain and other nasty symptoms. I am grateful that I stuck to my instincts that there was something instead of thinking I was crazy like others believed I was.