I went to Time Out For Women tonight, but had to leave early due to perfume being in a scent free area. While I was there, however, I heard a bit of music and some words from the evening speakers. While I did learn some interesting and valuable speakers, I also got a reminder that people often get blessings that they don't always publicly appreciate or they don't always realize that others grieve over not having certain blessings because of things beyond their control. I grieve often, but I grieve productively, and I empathize with those who go through similar grief.
Cade and Carrian Cheney spoke about making Christ the center of your life and used examples from their own life to explain how they went about achieving that aspiration. During her turn to talk, however, Carrian said that she hates being pregnant and it was due to some other medical condition she has. I have never, EVER heard a Mormon woman express hate over being pregnant. I've read articles from non-members expressing that pregnancy is hard and they wish they wouldn't have had kids when they have kids, but I was floored to hear someone of the Mormon faith express a hate over pregnancy. The Church is centered around families of all kinds and sizes and to express hate over pregnancy feels like expressing hate for family and the wonderful blessings that it is to have and/or make a family.
I couldn't help but feel a pile of grief over this statement simply because I have endometriosis and with conditions like that, pregnancy is very much an uncertain thing. I do have struggles with the endometriosis, but I push forward in faith that blessings will come when they are supposed to and in the way they are supposed to. There are times that I do grieve over the possibility of never being able to get pregnant and have a child naturally, but it is what it is and all I can do is pour my heart out to the Lord in prayer, poetry, or writing when I get that way.
If I were ever able to become pregnant, I would probably find it very hard, but I wouldn't hate it simply because of the struggle that it would be to get there if it were to happen. I'm not perfect and I want to be, but it's not going to happen right away, if it happens at all, and I'm fine with that because I know that it's all in the Lord's hands. I was promised in my patriarchal blessing that I will have the opportunity to be married in the temple and that I will become a mother to many children. I will grieve at times, but I will never hate what blessings come into my life simply because it may make me hurt or make me sick; I will remember that the Lord will give me the strength to handle whatever blessings or trials come into my life, as He has been doing that for me my whole life thus far!
The blessings of spousehood and motherhood just haven't come into my life yet and my hope is that a man with patience and understanding to my struggles and situation will come along and want me as I am. I'm not going to hate those blessings when and if they come into my life. I am, in fact, making preparations in the way I live so that I will be able to be a good addition to the lives of others when and if the opportunity comes.
I grieve at what is, but I am not going to hate what may come because all the stuff I am going through right now might be preparing me for amazing things down the road. Hating what is wastes time and energy that I no longer have for negativity. I just have to keep hanging on and God will provide because I know that I am worthy to receive many blessings in His eyes. If it weren't for the Atonement, it would be much harder to hang on, so I'm glad I have it so that I can be carried by Christ right now.
With the strength I am saving while being carried, I have the strength to see positives in trying situations like I am with this current burden. Even the grieving I endure at times is surrounded by peaceful thoughts simply because I seek positive reinforcement through Christ. To hate blessings that come to me in my trials, and there are blessings to be found in my trails, pushes me away from the Spirit that I need to keep going, so I am horrified when others express hate for blessings that they currently have or that they were given; don't they feel a lesser presence of the Spirit when they do that? I certainly do.
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