Adjustment - September 1, 2020

11:15 A.M.: I just got off the phone with the pharmacy...they just told me something dreadful.

The perscription shot I usually get every 3 months is now not available (out of stock or something) and so they had to switch me to one that I have to get monthly. Men plan and God laughs.

Spring/Summer 2020 - Medical Care in the time of COVID-19

June 19, 2020: I had a depo shot and it was really staggering even going to the clinic because COVID was in full swing, things were closed, and fear was running very high. When I got to the clinic, I had to call and say that I had arrived. The nurses would then prep a room for me and call me when it was time to go inside and I had to wear a mask. All in all, it took an hour to get inside and another half an hour to get the shot. By the time I was all done, I was ready to be out of there.

August 6, 2020: I went to the clinic again and went through the same procedure as before to get inside, but it thankfully only took half an hour to get in and 10-15 minutes to get seen. Dr. Topping and I talked briefly and I admitted that there was pain, but minimal bleeding and the menopausal symptoms from the meds were bad. She gave me a sample of a patch designed to ease symptoms and will give me an official perscription if it takes. I also got a perscription for another depo and she's suggesting I try other medications down the road. My next appointment is September 11 and it's at the hospital outpatient place, which is a GODAWFUL way to be spending that day, but it is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it. My mom, who is in town cause my papa had day surgery and took me to the appointment, suggested I get a blessing while I am out visiting them. This endometriosis is so hard on me emotionally and as I get older, I hope that there will be a man out there who can handle all of this and love me as I am...messy and malfunctioning.

Current state of things - March 20, 2020

I am now on three medications: an IUD, a depo shot, and pills to lessen the artificial menopause symptoms that the depo shot creates. I also have a waiting referral to a pain clinic in Calgary. I have been doing this since December and it helps sometimes, but not all the time.

Appointment - December 10, 2019

I went to Dr. Topping this morning and described my pain and such. She thinks that it is not any tumors or cancer or anything, as I don't bleed during a lot of the pain. She thinks it is muscle pain and not only gave me a Lupron perscription, but will refer me to a chronic pain clinic in Calgary; it's not covered by AISH down here, but whatever.

and...she wants to see me again in six months.

The Lord hears what is in my heart - April 23, 2019

I am a member of a small theatre group in my city and we sometimes get together just to hang out, eat, and read funny plays. I am judt starting to regain bits of my life and so I decided to go.

I had an odd experience at the play reading tonight. Another Mormon girl was there and she happened to have endometriosis, but is also in a relationship that is headed towards marriage. I shared my concerns and she said there are a lot of good, understanding guys out there. I'm mystified now that I'm reflecting on it.

I'm completely convinced that God wanted me to meet this girl and understand that I too can have those blessings despite the struggle I endure. I do not yet know if this is a sign that such things are on the horizon, but tonight's experience has given me hope.

April 23, 2019 - Epiphany

I had a powerful epiphany tonight and this is the first moment that hope and reality have collided. I have come to realize that if I were to ever get pregnant and give birth, the whole effort might be too much for me physically. This is something that has been on my mind for a while, but it's just now beginning to feel like a realistic scenario.

I have endometriosis and it's an insane condition that can affect fertility, cripple a healthy body, and also trigger Irritable Bowel Syndrome in the body. I'm not sure how long I've had it, but it was officially diagnosed two years ago after I pestered the shizz out of the doctors about endless suffering I was enduring. Anyway, I've had two surgeries for it and I'm doing better than I was, but it's not perfect and it may never be perfect, but that's okay. I have to learn to accept these limitations and find joy despite them.

Had I not relied on my writing and made a blog about my health, I would have just kept it bottled up inside. There are so many emotions associated with these conditions, but I am trying to keep positive and focus on being grateful for what I can do and what I have. People have tried to treat me like these conditions are dramatic attempts at attention-seeking or fake, but I assure you all, this is my reality now.

Things are better than they were, but I am not who I used to be either and I don't think I can go back to that. My hope in sharing this is to bring about awareness to who I really am and also gain compassion for what my reality is.

March 12, 2019 - Six Week Follow up appointment!

I had my six week follow-up today with Dr. Topping and these are the points we discussed:

-My body is being slow to accept the IUD and slow to recover from surgery.

-Dr. Topping suggested I use a period tracker app or keep track of bleeding and pain on calendar over the next couple of months to see how my body is adjusting.

-The endometriosis is cured for now...emphasis on 'for now.'

-Dr. Topping found deposits of endo along pelvic linings and in stomach and she got them out, but they are NOT cancerous! I worried about cancer because my dad, grandparents, and uncle on my dad's side died from it and loads of people on my mom's side of the family died from it.

-The goal now is to stop bleeding...

-Dr. Topping told me to give the Mirena time to work and wants to see me in a couple months to see how my body and the IUD are adjusting to each other. She also now thinks I have irritable bowel syndrome, but I already suspected that and am managing that with changes in my eating. I cannot eat anything with peanut butter or cinnamon anymore, especially, as it makes me vomit on the spot. 

-Dr. Topping will arrange the next appointment with her office for a couple months from now and if I'm still struggling, I'll probably get another medication along with keeping the IUD. The fact that the IUD is seemingly working is making me realize that the chances of having children naturally are LOW and that is something I have been working on accepting since this drama started.

-I can travel and I am looking forward to doing that!

-I CAN HAVE BATHS AGAIN! After the surgery, I was told I couldn't have baths for six weeks and I had my papa install a telephone shower in my apartment so I could shower more comfortably. I am so happy to be able to bathe again, though, as the baths are also a mental health buffer to decompress from daily stresses.