BYU Idaho Fall Devotional Series - Part of Degree Coursework
Please respond to the following prompt from Sister Saurey:
How do you cope with feelings of not being enough?
As a Neurodivergent individual who also has endometriosis, I struggle with feelings of not being enough every day and that means I have to literally pray for the Spirit to be with me every day that I can be reminded of my value.
Being Neurodivergent means that I see and interpret both the world and others very differently than Neurotypical individuals do and quite often, I often misinterpret other people, act inappropriately without meaning to, or interpret things in unexpected ways. Or I am slower to react, slower to learn, slower to understand, or slower to interpret than others and there are those who don't like that sort of thing. I am quite often told that my way of functioning is not enough, I am excluded because of how I am, or I am told that my behaviors are choices and that I can choose to do better.
Being Neurodivergent certainly isn't a choice, as I didn't choose to be this way and I really don't like it when people accuse me of choosing my behaviors or the way I interpret/do things. I have written personal essays for the Church's website and for Star Trek websites about what life has been like for me and my life has included things like my family's doctor telling my mother that my three-year old self should be put in a group home because I was too different to be put in the real world; my father deciding and telling my mother and brother that I was unworthy of love because of my disability to the point where my brother believes it to this day; me going to six different elementary schools because educators thought I was too stupid to learn anything. I could go on and on about the personal, social, and academic struggles I have faced throughout life because of my Neurodivergency, but I will just summarize it by saying that I have worked extremely hard to overcome the low expectations people placed upon me to be where I am at today and I have also relied on the graces Christ continually offers me. It is because of the Atonement of Christ that I can give myself permission to look beyond what is flawed about me and focus on what is awesome about me and also find joy in my accomplishments.
In terms of the endometriosis, I was only diagnosed with that in 2017 and it shattered the expectations I personally had about motherhood. I had the fantasies that all LDS girls had when they were youths: I was going to marry in the temple when I was a young adult to a return missionary and have a lot of kids. Well, none of those things have come to pass yet and I have gradually come to learn that such expectations are rather shallow; a man who is active in his holy use of the Priesthood and is temple worthy is a good candidate for a husband whether or not he's served a mission and the way I become a mother doesn't matter. The way I become a grandmother doesn't matter. It sure mattered to me back when I was first diagnosed because I felt so broken and unholy. I felt as if I had failed in what a woman was supposed to do and it took a visit to the Calgary Temple (which is three hours from where I live) and a very deep conversation with Laurel Day during a break at a Time Out For Women event to help me get out of that 'broken mindset.' I still grieve over it and I still very much grieve over the endometriosis, especially having the feeling of knowing what the outcome of my struggle with it is probably going to result in. However, I've gotten to the point where I can openly talk about it and even write about it now: I've written a blog about my journey with it, I've written an article for the Church of Jesus Christ website about it, and I've written an article for a Star Trek website about it. I also don't see myself as a piece of broken, unfixable junk anymore. I allow God and Christ to encircle me with their love, grace, and revelations concerning my journey with it and the reminders of my value that they give me. I also let them guide me to opportunities that will let me give life to other things that I can put into the world or other people I can be a good influence over.
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